Elf apprentice
The following interview was first published in my version of Clement Moore's poem, The Night Before Christmas, published by Harper Collins 2006 (a New York Times Bestseller, dontcha-know)
Watson: Let me say, first of all what an honor it is to finally meet you.
St. Nick: Oh! Ho! Ho! Ho! You know, Richard, I have seen you on many occasions, but you were always asleep. Except for that one time –––
Watson: Oh, my gosh! You have got a good memory. Heh, heh. Well... so what do you like to be called?
St. Nick: Slim.
Watson: I beg your pardon?
St. Nick: Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Just kidding. No, that really depends on where I am on the Big Blue Marble. Some call me St. Nicholas, Father Christmas, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, or Kris. Up North, I'm called The Wandering One, Pihoqahiaq, and Inuit name for polar bear. The missus calls me Punkins. Take your pick.
Elf supervisor
Watson: Okaay... Ah, Nicholas, everyone's big question: How do you deliver so much to so many all in one night?
St. Nick: So you want to know the secret to the Big Milk and Cookie Run? It's simple: eight svelte reindeer and a special customized sleigh.
Watson: Tell me about your reindeer.
St. Nick: Oh, they're the best. Each one has so much heart. They were a gift, you know, from the king and queen of Lapland one year while I was visiting during Candlemas. Lovely couple, excellent dancers.
Watson: You are, of course, a Master Toymaker, but it's rumored that you are also a legendary reindeer whisperer.
Elf rasta
St. Nick: That's true. I do love animals. I developed a special reindeer feed made from Austrian edelweiss, Canadian lichen, Norwegian oats, Finnish glacial milk, Russian bee pollen, Swedish cloudberries, and solar flare. A concoction such as this stimulates their ability to move fast. Very fast.
Watson: Absolutely incredible! So then, your sleigh –––
St. Nick: Ah, yes. The Polaris is composed of high- and low-tech materials, such as foam titanium and comet dust. This baby is tricked out with electron injection and a little old gamma ray booster I picked up at JPL Surplus in Pasadena. By tucking in the wishes and hopes of children everywhere, the sleigh is able to expand the moment between "tick" and "tock" on Christmas Eve. Oh, it's also equipped with pontoons in case of water landing.
Watson: Wow.
St. Nick: Ho! Ho! Ho! Well, it's really modern science and ancient art stretched and pulled together like Christmas taffy.
Watson: Any other thoughts?
St. Nick: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
~ Elf self portrait ~
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